So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
