Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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