Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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