I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
