I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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