Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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