You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
