true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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