I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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