It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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