This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
