so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
