A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
