There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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