I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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