"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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