So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
