I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
