I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
this hospital has no fireball
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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