this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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