That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
