mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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