I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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