I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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