I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
