Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cannot find my penis.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
