i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
