his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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