What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
