wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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