life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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