wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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