Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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