just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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