im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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