and you said cock pushups were impossible
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
