I smell stomach acid.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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