I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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