I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
