I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
