Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
