I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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