mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
