let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
