I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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