So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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