So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
