Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
