3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
