you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
