Swine flu. Run for my life!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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