I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
