I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize