Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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