I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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