I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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