i think my tv is drunk
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
