how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
