Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
