I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
